V-day Gifts for the Girl

“Dudes, listen up. There’s not much time and most of you are already screwed. (Not literally in this case). If you haven’t been paying attention to what turns her on, you’re hopeless. Let a dog, but just not any dog, spell it out for you:

1. Cards and candy are so ho-hum and what your father always did. Break the mold.

2. Flowers are always fine, but avoid those plastic-like red roses that look fake and have no smell. Calla lilies with baby pink roses. They don’t have to be red, just smashing. (You’re not done yet…read on.)

3. Anything you buy for her at Home Depot is NOT a V-day gift, unless it vibrates and does nothing else, like tear something up or drills holes ...and you don’t want that.

4. Don’t buy anything you like.

5. Don’t buy anything at Victoria Secret. I know, I know. First, I doubt you really know anything about how to fit a woman. Different cuts flatter differently, etc. Don’t even try if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Secondly, see #4 above. Third, your idea of sexy and her idea of sexy are usually polar opposites. Give it up unless she likes the sluttish.

6. Don’t buy her a gift card to Victoria Secret. Nice try. But don’t. Trust me. A $100 gift card to her favorite shoe store is far better if you have to go that way.

7. Although a card with two tickets to NYC for the weekend is way cool (and not a bad finish) something has to be immediate about the gift.

8. Spend some money, cheap skate.

9. Jewelry can be tricky. Steal one of her rings you’ve seen her wear and take it with you for size (Don’t try this with clothing). If you’ve never seen her wear a necklace or a bracelet, what makes you think she’ll wear it now? If she doesn’t like it, it hangs out in the jewelry box and all you got was an expensive one-time lucky homer. You can take it back but that just spells failure. Small is fine, a little bigger is better, but something the size of Texas means it's fake. Go for the real stuff.

10. Dress up if you’re going out. Leave the jeans home for at least one night. Show her you mean it.

Where does this leave you? With Home Depot and Vicky Seeky off the list, I’m afraid I haven’t helped.

Every woman is different. If you’ve been with her any length of time, you should have a clue or two. It would have payed to watch her shop, as boring as that is to most of you. You probably can’t read her closet, heavy in silk, long in the pastels, shoes paving a path to hell. But here’s the thing, buy several gifts. Even if they’re all wrong, it shows you took an afternoon and went to more than Home Depot. You spent time on her and that, friends, says a lot.

Then There's Ga-Ga

Me and the Boss get Ga-Ga. Really, we do. Not so sure she can sing or tickle the keys without getting’ all tangled up, but she can put on a show. And she can make a circus out of any stage. Barnum and Bailey got nothin’ over on her.


She's a fine lookin' woman. Most of the time, though, she looks like a glittered up fire hydrant to me. Just show me where I’m to lift my leg and I’m all over it. Literally.

Ga-Ga is to costuming as Adam Lambert is to a high note.


But without Ga-Ga, we’d be adrift. Like a lost puppy. We need a planet too far to prove cashmere is heaven when it orbits our skin.

Beyonce and all those other Bojangle jokers try to take their shit over the top, too, but the Boss tells ‘em to keep it in the closet. Looks like they’re tryin’ a bit too hard. There’s only one Ga-Ga to a generation. Madonna killed his. Ga-ga gots this one.

So what if it looks like a mirrored disco wingback chair.

But here’s the thing. A lot of runway shit looks like it was run off the road. I mean really, a fine woman is gonna wear these duds? Where? Certainly not to soccer practice. But someone's gotta shine the light out too far beyond reason, reality, comfort and good taste. Why not?

Beauty is the benchmark. Ugly is still ugly... but when it's outrageous, it can be fun... for a night. Just don't sit down. It's easier to leave and get outta my sight.

Better than an All-night Drunk

Every now and then, the Boss takes me along on a business adventure. This time it’s downtown to a warehouse where he’s designin’ a nightclub for some fool with more money than God.

The place is a wreck, but the Boss don’t care. He knows the fire marshal will back him up and as long as he’s got enough auto sprinklers, he can kick-ass the design.

So we get there and I’m tryin’ to be cool, but I just smell rats everywhere. I follow him inside and listen while he’s going on with the owner ‘bout how sexy the place will be, etc. I don’t care. The music’s probably gonna be too loud most of the time for me. I’m more interested in the dumpster out back where the construction workers are throwin’ their leftover lunches. I know there’s rats in that dumpster. Gotta be.

So I slip out the door and circle the dumpster. Shoulda known the fuckin’ feral cats would be on it before I could get a good sniff in sideways. Nonetheless, there’re pussies, sittin’ on top of the dumpster walls waitin’ for me to kick some rats to the curb. Man’s game. Step aside.

There’s a lot of paint and spent sheet rock mud and well, let’s just say, I come up smellin’ and shitty lookin’. Ever seen a Brussels Griffon lookin’ like Casper, the Friendly Furry Ghost, all dolled up in white. Well, no never mind. I’m busy flingin’ rats outta the dumpster for the cats to snatch away. Sorta like fishin’. Snag ‘em and jag ‘em. Then throw ‘em back for more fun. The cats don’t see it that way. They’re haulin’ ass away as soon as they snatch a broke-necked one. I’m about wore out when the Boss whistles. Now, mind you, I look like shaved shit, only much more stinky. I’m havin’ too much fun to care.

The Boss shakes his head. I know the hose is next. Don’t care. Had a helluva time. No hangover in the mornin', either.

Thin Ankles

The Boss has this list of the top ten woman’s features. Thin ankles are number one. His buds think he’s an idiot because tits and ass aren’t even on the list. And some of the stuff are on it that his buds never thought about. Like thin ankles. If you got those going on and the rest seems to fall in place, so you show those sinuous synapses to the earth as often as you can. You got ‘em, why not? They’re finer than those on that lil’ Weimeriner bitch a couple of streets over. The Boss says she’ll only break my heart, and teach me nasty habits like sniffing crotches.

The Boss has a rough time of it, though, especially when he’s out with his buds and has me in tow. The other night we’re at a local bistro and I let a short ‘ruff’. The Boss knows by now I don’t say much but when I do, he knows to listen. Sure, enough, I had spotted a fine little chicklet all decked out.

“Chew, what da ya think of those tied-up heals? You gotta better view than me.” He ain’t checkin’ her out. He’s on the clothes.

“Finer than three-day old road kill.” I save that comparison for the good stuff.

“Shoes? What the fuck you lookin’ at, Dude?” one of his buds pipes up, the one with the oversized sweat shirt, holey warm-up pants and in need of a shave. It’s Saturday night, for Christ’s sakes! Please don’t come to my wedding. Ever.

“Nice touch with the beading around the neck line. The back scoops like the front, looks good comin’ and goin’. Not over done. Right length on the leg for the proportion. Chewey likes her shoes, too.” He just started talkin’, like the Boss do at times.

I get up on my feet and check to see if there’s enough slack in the leash to grab a warm-up pant leg. No way I’ll get my jaws around the trunk of ankle. Hmmm… fat ankles. I flop down again.

Inspired by Lang's 'Still Rainin'':
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlVzniEgOjQ

The Viceroy of Vintage

The Boss skirts trouble all the time. Often he takes me downtown to one of his favorite vintage stores and sneaks me in. He knows the owner so I guess the law that says dogs ain’t allowed in retail establishments don’t apply so much. The Boss says I’m his “consultant”.

Man, oh, man, I’m here to tell you, this place rocks. The smells. Damn near heaven. I’m about to pass out from inhaling decades old perfume and lobster sauce stains.

Then the Boss starts doing his crazy thing.

“This would look great on you.” He says to some twenty-something trying to go Goth.

“Dude, if it ain’t black, she’s not gonna be into it too much.” I send out a little warning ‘ruff’ just to let him know I’ve got his back.

He ignores me. So does the young lady. I guess I can call her that. Her get-up makes fashion wanna get up and walk out.

He’s right, though, chicky-do. The boy’s got an eye. That white lacy forty’s nightgown cinched up with a belt, the bell sleeves, some gladiator slippers and watch out. ‘Course, you’ll have to spend $100 on that mop of yours to get the cut and color right.” Listen to me… soundin’ as snooty as the Boss. Thank God, you can’t get fat on fashion.

Doggin' Cats

I wouldn’t be a canine without doggin’ on cats. There’s a certain dogliness to it, sort of like guys getting’ all jacked up on football. I’d love to toss a few furry things around, too. “Go long, go long. Oh, no, Peterson drops another cat, I mean catch.” So much for the Vikings’ shot at the Super Bowl.

Gotta hand it to cats, though. Unlike my bark-happy brethren, cats know to be quiet, sit back, and cough up a fine fur ball now and then. Lots of times you don’t even know they’re in the room… but if you do spot one, you know what those condescending cocksuckers are thinking: “Putting out the Limoges? You can’t be serious! Her friends always bring only beer.” Don’t make no difference to me. I’m right there when they spill it on the travertine.

The Boss don’t care, either. Good taste should never take a holiday.